O'Brien gets pulled into more Bajoran prophecy juju and Dr. Bashir gets his medical panties in a twist when he's called out to Bajor to heal Bajoran Moses, whose death will extinctify the entire village, since an evil monster comes out of the woods at a ritual time each year. The Bajorans drag Bajoran Moses out of bed against Bashir's extremely prim orders and everyone crowds out to the ceremonial rock, where Moses shouts into the wind that O'Brien can't pick up on his tricorder. The audience at home begins to ponder whether this ritually-appearing creature is All That It Seems. A wild cloud beast called the Dalrok appears (out of the sky, not the woods) and Bajoran Moses shouts at it. Bajoran Moses does some unity magic, but the Dalrok uses magic missile, prompting O'Brien to shout "Bloody Hell!" Bajoran Moses claims that O'Brien is his successor and asks him to chase off the Dalrok with a stirring speech. The unity magic shows up again, hovering over the angry mob, and shoots into the Dalrok. Everyone hugs and revels.
Back at the A-plot ranch, Sisko has a conversation with the Tetrarch Diva Bitch. Nog and Jake see her pouting over the promenade and Nog busts out his Ferengi logic on her. I notice for the first time that Nog paints his nails powder blue. Odo interrupts the teenage hormone party just as Jake starts to work his mojo. On Bajor, Julian tries to encourage O'Brien to sample the fruits of his newfound Moses shtick. The Bajorans bring whores. The specter of Keiko seizes O'Brien by the balls and he flips out at the mayor, who convinces him to stay one more night and fight the cloud monster Dalrok. O'Brien decides to apply science.
Nog decides to profess his love to Tetrarch Diva Bitch by stealing Odo's bucket for her. An inexplicable oatmeal fight ensues before everyone gets caught by Commander Sisko and Odo the Perpetual Buzzkill. The Bajorans keep treating O'Brien like Irish Jesus. Moses's old apprentice tries to stab O'Brien. Julian intercedes in the most foppish way possible. The apprentice tells O'Brien and Bashir that he is the One True Thingamajig, and that Moses was pissy because the apprentice couldn't cut it. It turns out the Dalrok is a symbol for the villagers' internalized hatred and that the story is about bringing them back together. The Bajoran mayor isn't happy about this new development and won't let the apprentice give the whole Pokemaster thing another shot. O'Brien has to put the very fabulous robes back on.
Tetrarch Diva Bitch tries to stick up for Nog and Jake with Commander Sisko. They have a heart-to-heart about her lack of friends her own age. Tetrarch Diva Bitch reveals some of her own insecurities. TDB comes up with a Ferengi exchange plan while all hell breaks loose down on Bajor. O'Brien gets up on the ceremonial rock. The apprentice glares while the Chief tries to remember how the story goes. He slaughters it. Julian makes his best WHAAAAAT face and then busts out Star Trek's most classic line -- "DON'T YOU SEE?" -- to get the apprentice to step up. The villagers bitch until the Dalrok implodes. O'Brien and Bashir book it back home.
The Tetrarch smooches Nog on the cheek for giving her a bright idea. Nog's ears look like they're about to fall off. Despite their differences, Bashir and O'Brien, bonded by traumatic experiences and strange semi-Arab cultural traditions, are now Bros.
DS9 Season 1, Episode 15: "Progress." Nog hears his dad getting chewed out by Quark for ordering way too much yamak sauce, which apparently only Cardassians can stomach. For some reason, Nog's tingly lobes mean that opportunity is knocking, and he drags Jake into his schemes. Sisko is overseeing Bajoran scientific/economic development. Major Kira and Dax engage in what I'm led to believe is girl talk in one of the shuttles. Dax's Trill-ness makes her find Morn, the lump of silly putty permanently infesting Quark's, attractive. Major Kira, desperate to get out of this conversation, notices that some of the Bajorans are still on the surface of the moon they're drilling into and transports into a mystical garden, which is Star Trek code for horrifying wasteland behind some kind of hologram. Gardeners attack Kira, who back off after an elderly farmer hits on her awkwardly and then tries to feed her supper.
Nog and Jake wander around DS9, trying to sell yamak sauce. They trade the yamak sauce for self-sealing stem bolts, and the audience buckles in for 45 minutes of Yog and Jake trading down and down until they're left with something totally worthless that they try to sell back to Quark, who assigns them some hilarious punishment. Farmers try to get under Kira's skin and infect her with their roughnecking spirit. Nog skillfully maneuvers the yamak sauce out from Quark's. He and Jake exchange a mysterious fisting gesture of victory.
Kira listens to endless old man stories on the moon. They drink lots of wine to kill the boredom. Kira and Old Man Farmer decide they're not so different after all because they're both too stubborn to give in when it's good for them. Nog and Jake try to sell self-sealing stem bolts to Quark. Jake and Nog's hilarious misadventures turn into mystery-solving as they try to resell the stem bolts, starting with the definition of self-sealing stem bolt.
Once again, Kira's feelings are disrupting the natural flow of space diplomacy. She gets into a bitch-round with an ambassador in Sisko's office. She goes back to the planet and tries to get Old Man Farmer off the planet. He tells another long story in defense. Shit gets ugly across the field and one of the old guy's mute companions stabs one of Kira's redshirts. Kira flips out, Old Man Farmer gets shot with a laser, and everyone heads back up to DS9 for the inevitable bad news.
Nog and Jake are still at it in the B-plot. They exchange stem bolts for land. Nog is unhappy, but Jake's Earthling instincts are telling him that land is valuable. Kira brings Dr. Bashir back down to the moon to treat Old Man Farmer, who punctured something unpronounceable but can still talk and tell long stories. I decide to open a new pack of cigarettes to get me through. Bashir wants to move him to DS9, but Kira supercedes him, having been infected with the roughnecking spirit. Bashir tattles to Sisko. Sisko abuses the chain of command so Kira can stay on the planet for a day or two. Kira flashes a little flashlight at the farmer's wounds and they talk about her complicated, angry feelings. Kira starts telling a story about her childhood, proving that her infection is in its final, most serious stages. She also wanders around in her tank top and INCREDIBLY high-waisted uniform pants. Sweet ugh, those pants. Sisko comes down to convince her to work for the Man and she has more feelings. They decide they're friends and Sisko leaves a shuttle, JUST IN CASE.
Kira nurses the old man, who has flashback nightmares. She shoots him up full of sedatives and puts a rag on his head, Wizard of Oz style. Old Man Farmer continues to be unpleasant. Nog and Jake are trying to play some form of poker where Nog has three cards and Jake has six. It turns out their land is worth something to a government. Nog starts trying to sell the land back to Quark.
Kira wakes up and Old Man Whatsit is out building his doomed kiln of seriously abused metaphor. With four minutes left in the episode, this has got to end soon. Their uneven love shrine is finally complete. Kira comes back with her bag and bedroll. Kira randomly blows up the kiln, what the what? and sets fire to his cottage? I like Kira a lot more, all of a sudden. The old guy asks Kira to shoot him. Kira has more emotions. She refuses and beams them both up. DS9 is HELLA DARK, y'all.
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